Episode 18: The Imperial March

We’re back! And we’re very upset. And disappointed. You could say we carry a huge crotch. And it’s all your fault! So we talked about that and informed you about your many shortcomings as human beings. But even though you have treated us so very badly in spite of everything we have done for you, we just keep on giving. So we also talked about beer, treasures, and the walking dead. And we made DIYMPRBLs for you and talked about the core set card distribution and old news, and a whole lot about the Empire. Daniel even shared his top three underrated Empire cards. We built a cheap deck for you, and because that still wasn’t enough, we had an ad hoc talk about people who hate Invasion for all the wrong reasons (hint: there are no right reasons), good and bad companies, and intellectual properties. See how much we do for you? And how do you repay us? You should be ashamed. More importantly, you should listen to this episode.


Click below for stuff we mention this episode:


Do the right thing.

Do Daniel a favor.

Our Altdorf on a budget deck.

Our for now final version of the DIYMPRBLs:

All Eternal War Legends
Van Klumpf’s Buccaneers
Doors of Karak Hirn
Sword Masters of Hoeth
Shield of Aeons
Dark Elf Infiltrator

Judgement of Verena
Master Rune of Valaya
Flames of the Phoenix
Grimgor Ironhide
Troll Vomit
Invoke Khaine’s Wrath
Blood Dragon Knight
Mountain Brigands

24 thoughts on “Episode 18: The Imperial March

  1. gertat

    Hi Great episode again.
    Really lie that what you talked about this episode.
    Like that you talk abaout the strenghts and weakness of the different factions.

    Have voted on CardGameDB poll.

    I’m not gonna enter the vote for the sign copy of Hidden Kingdoms because I’m a stuckup High Elf player with no sense och humor 🙂

    Keep up the good work

  2. Prüdiger

    I really do enjoy your Podcast and it’s not like I don’t care about the contest or wouldn’t want to win the prize ( as HappyDD said, I’m going to buy HK anyway), I just don’t see myself winning, that’s all.

    Well, I could send you a Pic of me with the Regional Championship trophy, the fact, that a player like me could win it is pretty much a joke. 😛

  3. Equlan

    I simply couldn’t think of a fun Invasion-picture to take 🙁

    About Bretonnia: Daniel is definitely right about the French/Arthurian theme. And I mean… just… yeah, sure, the Empire has some knights and stuff, but Bretonnia’s knights are REAL knights, flowing barding and heraldry.
    The knightly orders of the Empire can look cool and all, but a fully painted Bretonnian army with individual heraldry for every single knight, that just looks impressive as hell.
    When I first got into Warhammer was back in the late 90’ies or so, when Bretonnia had a more “pure” thing going in the miniature game. Sure, there was a huge gap between knights and peasants, but the army book didn’t give me the impression that the peasantry was *too* oppressed. Bretonnia seemed like an especially good and pure speck of light in the pretty grim (and funny) Warhammer world.
    Since then, they’ve been dirtied quite a bit, and I find I like that as well… I guess I’ve grown more cynical with age.

    It has its downsides too, but I quite like the very focused style of Bretonnia, compared to the Empire. The Empire simply has everything: Knights, footmen, elite troops, monsters, wizards, siege engines etc. That’s cool, and the Empire definitely has a distinct character, but I still like the very clear theme of Bretonnia with knights, supporting peasants and a marked disdain for ranged weapons (when I started out they had ONLY bowmen of a few kinds, no other ranged weapons, unlike today where they’ve soiled themselves by acquiring trebuchets).

    Returning to the knights, I think the knights of Bretonnia are slightly more characterful than the Empire’s. You have the young Knights Errant, who fight without helmets (so the pretty young maidens can recognize the bravest knights of course!) and charge impetuously into combat to prove their worth.
    There are the veteran Knights of the Realm forming the core of steel in a Bretonnian army (yeah, so they’re not too interesting, but they still look awesome).
    The Questing Knights are the perfect knight trope of the travelling noble warrior, slaying beasts, saving damsels, and protecting the innocent from evil.
    And then there are the Grail Knights, paragons of knightly virtues and the most powerful mortal warriors, and so on.
    It’s great stuff.

    It also bears mentioning that Bretonnians along with Dwarfs have the highest bodycount in slain dragons in the lore (I don’t remember which of them has the largest count)!

    They probably couldn’t make a faction for them in Invasion, but they could make some more Order Only neutral cards with Bretonnians on them.

  4. sammann11

    Lame joke:

    Grimgor walks into a bar and starts smashing the support beams. Esli’an serves everyone a corrupted cocktail and they drink til they’re sideways. Not liking rowdiness, Verena snaps here fingers, killing everyone in the bar…
    Except, of course, DamonStone Bearer – who drops his DamonStone on her head, drinks the joint out of ale, and trudges off towards his half-finished wall.

  5. bitva

    Ultra lame short story-joke:

    Morten Beardgrace storms out of the Karak Ale Hall, furious that the Long Winter has caused an ale shortage and he isn’t allowed to have more than 15 pints of ale in a single day. Desperate for his daily fix, he makes his way to Green Skinn Inn, despite the usual clientele of the place and the warnings of the Karak elders.

    “Your kind in’t welcome ‘ere, stunty” says the innkeeper.
    “No one tells Beardgrace where to go,” counters Morten, showing part of his axe blade beneath his cloak. “Gimme your best ale, and don’t even try to sneak in that vile Fungus Brew schlop; I can’t be fooled.”

    The Innkeeper glares at Morten, then slowly complies, but with the warning “you might not find some of da regulars so accomodatin”. Morten chuckles aloud, sniffs his drink, and downs it quickly, demanding more.

    Orcs keep arriving at Green Skinn Inn as Morten carries on drinking, and though he doesn’t bother to take notice, the inn-goers keep looking at him, staring even, and mumbling amongst themselves about the stunty that dares to drink at their watering hole. Finally, a loud and demanding patron arrives.

    “Da regular, on da dubble!” says the new-comer.
    “We’z out!” says the innkeeper
    “Wut?!? How’z you outta da best stuff? Only I’s can drink Borgut’s Best and still stand!”
    “Dis ‘ere stunty finished it all!” the innkeeper says with a smile.

    Morten looked up at the now irate orc whose entire evening of off-battlefield activities was destroyed by his desperation for ale and over-fondness of what he’d been served all night.

    “You miserable stunty!” exclaimed the angry orc. “Who’re you and who told you to come ‘ere and drink da best brew reserved for me and none uddur!?!”
    “The name’s Morten Beardgrace, and I go where I will and do as I will,” Morten stated proudly, again pointing to part of the axe blade beneath his cloak. “Who are you to question me?”
    “Da name’s Borgut,” exclaimed the orc in his rage, and quickly implanted his fist into Morten’s face, saying “Facebeater” as he retracted his arm. He then grabbed the pitiful dwarf by the back of his neck and tossed him back out the entrance of the Green Skinn Inn, returned to the innkeeper, and bemoaned the loss of his special Borgut’s Brew. Borgut then asked how long it would be before more could be made ready, what with the Long WInter and all.

    “Fear not, Facebeater” said the innkeeper. “I kept da greater part from ol’ stunty. Was expectin’ you; stunty meant business an’ he wasn’t plannin’ on payin’. On me tonight.”
    “I’da caved his face in anyway,” Borgut said as he lost himself in his beloved brew.

    Morten eventually got himself on his feet again and slowly made his way back to the Karak. He didn’t dare to recount the story of how his face became concave, but the outline of a fist was undeniable when gazed upon. He was from then on known as Morten Fistface throughout the Karak.

  6. bitva

    Another lame one, but not long:

    Freidrich Hemmler walks into a bar. Therefore, the bar is clearly defending, causing Hemmler to be opposed in combat. Hemmler and the bar take one damage each. Then, combat ensues.

  7. bitva

    More lameness:

    Long Drong and his crew of Seaserpent Slayers are patrolling the seas, looking for vessels to plunder. On the horizon, an imperial ship is spotted, and Long Drong sets course for the vessel. Before long, however, the imperial flag is taken down and a new flag that Long Drong and his Seaserpent Slayers have not seen before rises.

    Upon nearing the vessel, Long Drong sees that another, smaller vessel is at the opposite side of the imperial ship, bearing the same new flag. A shout is heard from the imperial ship, and Long Drong looks up at it’s bow, where a proud man is standing with sword drawn.

    “Stay thy distance, knave,” shouts the man at the bow. “This vessal is now under my command, and it’s crew is pressed into my service. Should you choose to contest this, you are in for a bloody loss, I say.”

    “We shall not be deterred!” exclaimed Long Drong, not caring so much for the ship or what it might contain, but more indignant that a mere man would declare a conflict won in his favor without even a challenge having been made as yet. “This ship is not manned by the feint of heart, but rather those who have taken the Slayer Oath. There is no prey on any sea that we set our eyes on and then let pass by!”

    “A dwarf cannot hear sense even when hundreds speak it!” retorted the man at the bow. “Board this imperial ship, or my own, and your oaths will be fulfilled in short order!”

    “And we shall send your ship with yourself and any who oppose to the bottom, and we shall make away with the imperial ship to do as we may with it and it’s contents! The Legend of Long Drong ends not here, but your end will be but the next page in it!”

    “The unbridled pride of reckless dwarves is the only legend that this day will remember!” countered the man at the bow. “But know this on your final day; you have dared to challenge Van Klumpf, and I shall sweep the seas of all who oppose my mastery of it!”

    After an exchange of pistol fire between Van Klumpf’s captured imperial ship and Long Drong’s vessel, one man in loose clothing came up to Van Klumpf, handed him a scroll, and whispered in his ear before retreating. Van Klumpf then shouted out to Long Drong’s ship.

    “Know this, Long Drong!” he began. ” I have just learned that nature of this ship’s voyage. It is an envoy ship delivering a nomination for a LEGEND from Emperor Karl Franz to the council of 7 that rules a land called FFG LCG.” Van Klumpf rolled out the scroll and read aloud, “I nominate Rodrik for your consideration as a new Legend to be included in the upcoming ‘Random Friends: Mad Miners vs. Bronies Deluxe Expansion’ due out in Q1 2014. Best regards, Karl Franz, Damon Stone Fanboy for life.”

    After a pause of silence, Van Klumpf continued, “as it stands, this is now my ship, and the imperial envoy is now in my employ. I will have myself nominated for this honorary title in the far-away land that cannot be pronounced. If thou still wishes to challenge me for this ship, know that there is nothing of value here outside this nomination!”

    “Lies!” exclaimed Long Drong. “We know there is precious cargo and other valuables aboard, and your ruse would not fool even the basest snotling! And if such land as you spelled out exists, I will myself go there, and the only mention of Van Klumpf that shall be heard is that he is one who dared oppose the might of Long Drong, and the decks of Long Drong were swabbed with the blood of Van Klumpf and those that dared follow him to their doom!”

    And with that, the battle resumed.

    The results of this bitter conflict will be revealed when the Random Friends: Mad Miners vs. Bronies deluxe expansions hits shelves in Q1 2014.

  8. Torsten Post author

    So you guys can be shamed into overcompensating. I like it. Let’s add some rules to this contest:

    It lasts for as long as Hidden Kingdoms is still on the boat (http://www.fantasyflightgames.com/edge_upcoming.asp), but at least until the end of the week, Oct 20th.

    Since bitva already stomped all over the “one joke per person” rule, we’re changing it to a “maximum three entries per person” rule. If anyone breaks that, only the first three entries of that person will be considered.

    And since Charles actually submitted a funny picture: you can still do that too, of course. Picture or joke, doesn’t matter, counts as one entry into the contest.

  9. Gnomeschool

    Torsten, I think that Grimgor joke should end like this:
    Grimgor and Facebeater enter a tavern. Grimgor says “Lad, where is da tavern?”
    Anyway. I have two “jokes” for you. And even one with Grimgor in a tavern!

    An high elf returns from a party.
    A friend asks him „Was it any good?“
    He says „Yes. But never dance for Loec. It always ends facedown.

    Some heroes go into a bar. After a while, they start complaining about their lifes.
    „Mork won’t stop pickin’ on me“, Urguck says.
    „My followers always forget what I’m teaching them“, Countess Isera says.
    They both look at Grimgor, who looks very grumpy too.
    „What about you, Grimgor? Angry because of not being elected as a legend?“
    „Legend? Ladz, I can’t even enter my own camp.“

    Okay, enough of this. Nice podcast again.
    As for the Empire’s lack of damage – have you already tried Fervent Disciple? I did in the last weeks and I really like it. Of course, if you play against a rush deck you may have your battlefield burning before you want to play it, but I think it’s a good option. And it’s not that vulnerable to master Rune of Spite, that is always a problem for the Empire, I think.

  10. bitva

    Wait, what? There was a one-entry rule? I didn’t see that in the contest FAQ… Anyway, both of Gnomster’s jokes beat mine handily, and they’re more to the point. I actually feel quite sorry for this Grimgor chap.

    Imagine Grimgor’s election campaign… He shows up to make his speech to his supporters, and they’re all destroyed before he even speaks!

    If I could choose a WH:I official joke winner, it would so far be Torsten, with the humorous line implying there is some distant possibility that HK will be off the boat by week’s end. I’d post a funny picture, but I don’t want my face circulating on the internet…

  11. sammann11

    If we’re allowed more than one…

    One dwarf said to the other:
    “How’s it going Long Drong?”
    “That’s not what your mom said.”
    “Of course my mom didn’t say that. You know she can’t say her R’s”
    “Yep. Nor was she trying…”

  12. bitva

    Also, Daniel can be forgiven for calling Peasant Militia “Free Company” at first; I used to do it all the time because, as I later realized, they use the same art work. Free company is the right half of that art, and Peasant Militia is the left half.

    And even if Daniel COULDN’T be forgiven for this error, he totally redeemed himself by pointing out the “Free company dude” is sporting a skullet. All Bronies have a skullet, right? It’s like a racial trait or something.

    Anyway, I’m shooting for the runner-up prize for the lame joke contest at this point; I want a Bronies capital board signed by Brad and a Mad Miners capital board signed by a Random X developer in the LCG department (roll a d6; Brad is out).

    Bretonnia is cool and all that, but has anyone been clamoring for Halflings in WH:I? I don’t recall if they were on the poll… Unless Damon Stone was code for Halflings.

  13. Hotbutton

    If any of you guys needs some more motivation to enter the contest, I posted a picture of my signed copy of Cataclysm on the geek:

    I myself won’t participate this time (I don’t know how I would react to two games on my shelf with Damon Stone’s calligraphic signature on it – not that I could beat any of your jokes), so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for all of you and I’m looking forward to what else you’ll come up with during the contest 🙂

    1. bitva

      Nice! Thanks for sharing that image. I like how you mention Damon Stone and some other designers in your caption 🙂

  14. sammann11

    Oh…and I “can be bothered” to tell you both:
    I liked this episode. I liked the idea of going over the core set one faction at a time, then breaking up the old school talk by throwing in other/newer must-haves and strategies for that race. I also liked the top 3 under-rated cards! I am going to take another look at Higher-Learning (especially now that I have to take JOV out of my Derriksburg Forge deck and my Rodrick’s Raiders deck – I now have a spot for another Empire card). I agree about Demoralize, Daniel. Free tactics are a must have in most cases!

  15. Torsten Post author

    For the sake of completeness, we also got one submission by mail: How do you get a one-armed Goblin down from a tree? Wave!

    The contest is closed, now it’s up to Brad to pick a winner!


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